GUESTBREAKER: An Adorable Baby With Down Syndrome Waved At You And You Didn’t Smile Or Wave Back

Our sexual chemistry was clearly undeniable as we stood next to each other waiting for our luggage at the airport baggage claim. After all, we smiled at each other once. It was only a matter of time before we got our suitcases mixed up and I had to track you down at your house to switch bags only to find myself being invited in for drinks and falling in love with you. I was ready for this to happen.

But then a mentally challenged baby waved at us. A nine month old cherub with super obvious Down Syndrome lifted up her hand and did that adorable baby wave and beamed in our direction. I waved back because I am a human creature with a heart and a love for babies and a healthy, normal amount of pity for the handicapped.

She was precious. She was sitting up by herself, but just barely. I waved and smiled and imagined quitting my job and raising Down’s babies for the rest of my days. Then I looked over at you, and you weren’t smiling. Or waving. I thought maybe you were blind. But no. You saw her; you were staring right at that little ray of baby sunshine and you were not moved to share kindness or warmth with her in any way.

What is wrong with you? I bet you make jokes about the Special Olympics too, don’t you? And I bet they’re not even funny ones. Because some are hilarious but you strike me now as someone who laughs at just the dumb ones. Disgusting.

You are a monster. At one point, this baby was waving so ferociuosly at you that she actually tipped herself over. A baby waved herself until she tipped! We should literally be heading to an adoption agency together for how goddamn inspired we are right now.  But if you’re not going to even smile, Mr. I Hate All Goodness In This World, at least look at her like you feel bad for her. Something!

You may as well have just shit your pants in front of me or told me you like Dan Brown novels for how unattractive you have now become.

And oh no! Her mom just gave her candy. So I should leave, because if she starts eating it and it gets all over her face and you are still unmoved, I am going to cry in front of you. Which I don’t want you to see, because it always makes me look all retarded.

A Guest Dealbreaker written by Chris Kelly.

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